Tuesday, March 22, 2011

WINNING! A guide to Vegas (and life)

Treat Vegas like a case of premature ejaculation.  Many a strong soldier has fallen by 6pm Friday night.  With the excitement, hysteria, and road sodas on the drive to Nevada – you may arrive in Vegas 3 (high thread count) sheets to the wind.  Put some thought into when you are going to allow yourself to get absolutely hammered so you aren’t passed out in the hotel while your buddies are knee deep in Perfect 10 models at Tao. 

Understand the unwritten law that if you make an ass of yourself, this will not actually stay in Vegas.  If you are dumb enough to throw a bag of vomit outside of a moving vehicle in front of an officer of the law, you deserve the ridicule and mocking of all of your friends.  Furthermore, know that if you try to justify your stupidity, this will only result in a life scarring nickname.   

Don’t be a cheap bastard.  And I say this with love.  Yes, bottle service and acid trips are outrageously priced.  But son, this is why god invented credit cards.  Every time you think about passing up on an opportunity in Vegas, remind yourself of your complete contempt for your boss and your children and suddenly $500 for a pool side cabana seems reasonable.  And if you’re still worried about your potential financial ruin, just remember to …

Win free money.  Going to Vegas without gambling is like reading Playboy for the articles.  Just think of it as giving a donation to the poor crippling state of Nevada.  And for your donation, you will get to throw back cheap chardonnay until you’re ready to throw up and preach to strangers that clenching your butt cheeks helps you hit 21. 

Don’t take sleeping arrangements seriously.  About a week before the actual trip, people are going to start making all kinds of wild accusations about where they will pass out in the hotel room.  Know that no spot is safe (unless you are the one that arranged the hotel room – then you get your bed of choice).  Chances are you will a) wind up in a stranger’s room naked and cold or b) wake up on top of the entertainment center surrounded by crushed pretzels and Oreos.  And to be perfectly honest, the fact that you will be sleeping at all makes you an amateur. 

Remember that corpses are easier to get rid of than tattoos and unwanted pregnancies.   So when the urge to copulate, defile yourself or kill another human being surfaces – take the easy route.  


  1. Well done all around. Couldn't agree more on the "cheap bastard" bit. It's Vegas. If you're trying to save money in Vegas, not only are you in the wrong city, you're wasting your time, you're wasting mine, and you're making me feel a tiny bit of guilt about my wanton financial irresponsibility. Suck it, get a real job, and spend money the way Jeebus intended. Like a drunk Russian oligarch.

  2. Muahahaha. That made me giggle. Yes, pump all the money you can into our floundering economy...we locals will thank you!

  3. I have a couple of bachelorettes I will be passing this on to... I'm sure the money and corpses left behind will be thanks enough for this post.

  4. I cannot WAIT to go to Vegas when the time comes. Strippers of all kinds. It'll be like a stripper-gasam.

    Seriously, I can't wait.

  5. You forgot random touching!