The happier you are, the more embarrassing dancing and uncontrollable karaoke you are willing to showcase. If you can’t flop to the ground and show off your impression of a hump back whale in front of your friends – you either don’t trust them enough or your friends fucking suck.
Good bosses are like good romantic relationships. Don’t fuck that shit up. If your boss is nice, fair and likes the work that you are doing – don’t take that for granted. A head hunter or two may call to entice you to work for some name impressive place (Google, GE, Playboy Mansion
College friends are like the Beatles. You may not see them/listen to them all the time, but when you do you are reminded at how fucking awesome they are. And unlike the Beatles, your college friends are most likely still alive.
The last 25% of a Chipotle Burrito should not be consumed. First off, it looks like a sagging diaper. Second off, you have already consumed all of the delicious meat which tends to hover in the middle portion. You are left with a sad lump of bread with a few bits of lime rice and sour cream. The sad lump will try to seduce you into consuming it but, beware my friend; it does not come with a complimentary side of pepto bismol.
Mo’ money. Mo’ problems. The whole time I was a cheap ass college student, I couldn’t wait for the day that I could swim in my giant pile of money once I got a “real job.” Then I got a real job and missed the days that I could skip class to hang out at the pool all day with my boyfriend. And then you get promoted, a bigger salary and everyone expects that you won’t be driving around town in your crappy old Honda Civic and living in a 380 sq ft apartment. Beware of the salary envy. If you’re in a good job that isn’t making you a baller but lets you leave early and enjoy your life – you’re doing fine.
No one knows how long it’s been since you last washed your pants. But don’t abuse that privilege, chump.
This was perfect! I love all the things you know for sure. Thanks for reminding me.
ReplyDeletei can't tell you how much the baby burrito terrifies me.
ReplyDeletecan you believe i've never had chipotle?! crazy, right? :D
ReplyDeleteLove this! You are absolutely right about two things, the Chipotle burrito and the good boss. The others I may or may not know anything about. :D
ReplyDeleteI love Chipotle but the closest one is 2 hours away. You are right about the last part of the burrito, never worth it to eat that part. All the good stuff is gone and you will end up feeling way to full. And good bosses are really rare so when you find one it makes the job so much better.
ReplyDeleteMy husband ALWAYS eats the last of the burrito and ALWAYS regrets it.(and then we ALL end up regretting it, if you know what I mean)
ReplyDeleteHA! Soo true. I have to say, the burrito baby scares me but not as much as those dirty pants!
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious! The college friends one is especially true for me.
ReplyDeleteToo much chipotle is never a good thing. It starts off delicious, but always ends up...the opposite of delicious. Especially when it sits in your stomach all day.
ReplyDeleteOh man, did you make this up? This is super super clever.
ReplyDeleteLove the college friends bit, I had to show it to my best friends from college. :) We all agree that it is perfect!
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