Jobs that I secretly dream of

Haberdasher – primarily so I can use the word “haberdashery” more often.  The major obstacle to realizing this dream is the fact that I care very little about ribbons, buttons and almost anything related to sewing.  Although, I really could find it in my heart to care more about this if I could refer to myself as a “dashing haberdasher” with a straight face. 

Lipsmackers historian – Don’t you want to know more about the lip gloss we all know and love? What secrets does Bonne Bell hold? 

Intoxicated lounge singer – At the height of my singing career, I will have a fifth of vodka a day habit.  I will wear a run down glittery dress that falls off my shoulders and reveals my right nipple. Horrified customers will have to point this out to me, since I will to be too drunk to notice.   I will only remember 50% of the lyrics and show up late to work 25% of the time. 

Palm tree enthusiast – the core duties of this job would be to roam around the west side of Los Angeles and get tourists extra excited about seeing plants.  At every opportunity I’d scream “OOOOH PALM TREES” and pee a little in my pants.

Founder and President of Snazzle Pants in Akron, Ohio –The target audience would be the discerning women of Ohio who yearn to be free from the shackles of regular pants.  What are snazzle pants, you say?  The sky is the limit as long as it involves made-to-order lycra and fuchsia.  Oh the fuchsia. 

Living dream catcher – perhaps the most dangerous career of my dreams.  I’d have to creep around people’s bedrooms at night and steal their thoughts.  As karmic punishment, I’d be forced to watch their dreams and I’d die a little every time I realized I had stolen a dream about ponies. 

Drummer for the Foo Fighters - You win this time, Taylor Hawkins. But I will see you in another life!