7 Surprising Side Effects of NOT Being Hungover

1) Improved dental hygiene.  When you’re stumbling home drunk at 2am you are typically spending your last few awake moments searching for pizza, removing shoes by throwing them at the walls or crying hysterically.  This is not conducive to remembering to floss, brush your teeth and use mouth wash.  Since cutting back on the sauce, I’ve found that there is actually time in my life for me to be kind to my teeth.

2) You don’t have to struggle to remember who you pissed off the night before. When you’re drinking, it feels like a good idea to tell people what you really think.  The morning after, the laws of human decency kicks in as you struggle to remember what you shouted to a crowd during karaoke.  Maybe you told everyone “heyyyy these ladies here (point to friends) are single … are we surprised?” as crickets chirped and your friends shot you the look of Satan.  Or maybe you dropped the bomb that you were recently fired?  It’s all a little hazy the next day. 

3) You know the whereabouts of your debit card.  It’s in your wallet!  Same thing with your shoes, your earrings, your copy of the Brideshead Revisited DVD, your drum sticks, your sink tequila and your dignity. 

4) Hassle free grocery shopping.  You know why the grocery store is as empty as a wine bottle on Sunday mornings?  Because everyone else in the world is hungover.  Capitalize on the American right to booze and find yourself skipping gleefully down the frozen aisles, not bumping into creeps and homeless people.  You can buy those blueberries in 3 minutes or less.  Fuck yeah!

5) You can be (slightly) more honest to your primary care physician.  When he/she asks you how many drinks you typically drink in a week you can actually throw out a number that is marginally closer to reality.  You have now closed the gap by 10 drinks. 

6) More money to buy other useless, random crap.  Outside of college towns, bars are expensive.  Bars in LA, even more so.  At $14 a martini, you can shift those funds to more practical things such as new running shoes, flour sifters, overpriced almond butter, herb plants for your balcony, organic pain juice, leather vests and lottery tickets.

7) You can devote more time feeding your inner loser.  Less time boozing means more time available for watching Open Yale courses, baking, fantasizing about your life with Jason Segel, and blogging.  Let your freak flag fly!

What wine will fix

Transatlantic flights – Because nothing says celebration like sitting next to strangers in a small chair for 6 hours. When the captain turns off the seat belt sign, it’s time to adjust your travel pants and throw back some $5 chardonnay.  When the person next to you gives you the evil eye after your third or fourth, just keep drinking until it looks like they’re giving you a sexy wink.  Be careful about going to the bathroom – turbulence, drunkenness and narrow walk ways do not mix.

Sporting events you have no vested interest in – don’t care about the Clippers?  Neither do I.  After a bottle of wine I can and will become their biggest fan.  Sporting events provide your inner drunk with the excuse to shout suggestive and inappropriate statements to a crowd of people.  Phrases such as “TAKE IT OFF” seem to make sense to everyone in the heat of the moment.  Some sports stadiums do not serve wine.  No problem!  The solution is always wine in a can.  Smuggle wine in your lady parts and pour it into an empty diet coke can. 

Hangovers – Wake up feeling like the undead?  Point yourself in the direction of a champagne bottle.  Add a splash of OJ or two and you’re only 15 minutes away from getting drunk again. 

Getting fired – While this won’t help you get your job back it will temporarily dull the pain.  Just call everyone you know in a panic, force them to your apartment and drink until you wake up clutching your laptop with flights to Italy on your web browser. Be sure to never clue them into why you need to drink so badly as to make the experience exciting and fun. 

Karaoke– Belting out Lady Gaga to a crowd of beach tourists never felt as good as when it’s done on a belly full of Shiraz. Karaoke bars are infamous for dim lighting and ugly clientele so your purple wine teeth are guaranteed not to raise any eye brows.  Bonus points for dedicating your song to “you … you there” and pointing to anyone in the crowd you’ve never met before.  Then give them the wonky eye and blow a kiss.  You’re only a few more sips of wine away from making out with a man twice your age. 

The crushing realization that we’re all going to die – You can’t think about the end of humanity when you’re looking for a discreet place to vomit.  Any time your brain wanders to that place where the gentle river of life flows, grab some Merlot because it’s business time.