Thursday, December 30, 2010

How I signed my soul over to Satan

Catholicism.  Something I was blessed/cursed to be indoctrinated into when I was born.  Literally, there was no choice.  You’re a baby in a satin white dress being held by your mother in front of a crowd of people and then you’re dunked into a bath of water by a strange man in a robe.  And tada.  You’re Catholic! 

There are few things that I remember from my earlier/church going years.  One, my real estate tycoon Grandmother believed God understood she was too busy to go to church on Sundays (Dear Lord, I have a sale to make!).  Two, that it instilled an unhealthy worry that Satan was lurking in the corners for me like a pedophile on Halloween.

The devil’s powers were mystical to me.  Around the age of 7, I was convinced that you could literally sign your LIFE away to the devil simply by stating it in your head.  Trust me, I tried NOT to sign my soul away to the devil.  But because children touch hot stoves and open presents before Xmas, I could not get the idea out of my head.  And that thought was so compelling that one day, in the middle of my bedroom; I decided to say out loud “I sell my soul to the devil.”  I had no preconceived notion of what was going to happen next, other than that I was going to die. 

Days went by without me being possessed or having an urge to kill.  That didn’t soothe me, it only made me panic.  I decided this meant that the devil would wait until I was complacent and then suck my soul through my ear hole.  Most days I could work through the logic that saying something out loud doesn’t make it true.  But other days, I’d be sitting alone in the back of my Grandma’s Cadillac, clutching My Little Pony and start crying because the devil was eventually going to come find me. 

In retrospect – I missed the entire message of the “sell your soul to the Devil” tale of Christianity.  It seems everyone else in the Bible had actually gotten something out of the deal – wealth, eternal life, Gisele Bunchen. I had actually just given up my soul for nothing.    Which makes my soul akin to an easy lay in high school. 

And if, in his generosity, he just gave me everything I subconsciously wanted - thanks for the beach, the convertible and the good friends.   And if Satan is going to take me - take me while I'm stuck on the 405.


  1. I'm still coming for you.

  2. satan reads your blog . . . congrats!

  3. Send Satan to the republicans..he will find some good company and would forget all about u...(sorry if u r a republican but I interned In the US for a democrat congressman and it gave me the anti-republican bug)