Hey there, I’m just going to eat food

There are two types of people in the world that I trust

1) Those who love to eat food

2) And those that love to cook food

And in general if you believe in the joy of cooking you believe in the joy of eating.  But not everyone is skilled in the kitchen.  So the two types remain separate like the egg and its yolk. 

On principle, I do not like people who dislike food.  I’m sure you’re thinking “HEY MISSY, everyone loves food.”  But you’re wrong.  And because the concept of true love of food is confusing I’ve provided a handy list of signs that you may in fact hate food.

Your refrigerator is full of lean cuisines.  You can spend all day talking me about the virtues of 400 calories lunches stuffed inside a cardboard box.  But that crap isn’t food.  And does anyone LOVE lean cuisines?  Oh sure, the ladies who get to the mall at 6am to power walk think they love lean cuisines.  But really they love donuts.  Warm, mouth watering donuts.  And they aren’t really walking in the mall, they are running from their love of all things fried.  Every time they pass a krispy kreme they turn up their nose smugly and pat themselves on the back for slaying that dragon one more time and resisting deep fried temptation.  Ladies, do yourself a favor and walk outside.  And grab cute boys butt cheeks as you sprint around the neighborhood.

Your industrial sized whey protein powder container is almost empty.  Guys, I get it.  You want to look like body builders to get chicks.  Chicks are hot and they smell nice.  I actually know a body builder and let me tell you, the quality chicks were afraid of him. And despite the fact that he was kind of a gentle giant, his tanning bed and freezer full of chicken breast scared them off.  And even if they did venture into his “stabbin’ cabin’” they eventually got sick of the fact that he could not actually have fun.  What with his insane work out regiment, inability to have a beer and needless hours of shaving his balls.  To be fair – there is protein powder on my counter.  And it is 99% full.  Because it tastes like balls and is not real food.

You have completely eliminated an element of food from your diet.  This is one of the true downsides of LA.  We have given up carbs, fat, meat, sugar and adding temperature to our food.   What you are left with is a pile of grass and a case of depression.  Please, I beg of you.  Eat what you want.  If you want fried chicken today I swear you won’t want it every day for the rest of your life.  You will eventually want something else. 

You are unwilling to try anything new.  Do yourself a favor and peace out of life if you feel this way.  Something slimy that may or may not smell like feet can rock your world.  I swear.  Just put that deer testicle in your mouth once. Just for me.  And take pictures. But seriously - one day you’re going to come running back to me when you realize that you love wine that smells like diapers.  And you know why?  It’s a sign that it’s really rgood wine.  Wine so good it will make you better at sex.  See? Now you’re interested!

Here’s the thing.  I get that there is danger lurking in everything we eat.  Everything is going to kill us.  And the nice thing about that is that WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS.   So every once in awhile I am going to love on a giant burger.  And you may or may not want to be around because noises will indeed be made.  And you know why?  I’m going to love that thing like it’s my child.  And then the next day I will be eating grilled artichoke.  Because that’s also fucking good.  And since I’m a functioning adult I can comprehend that if I eat hamburgers every day I will get fat and if I eat grilled artichoke every day I will tap into my urge to kill. 

Capiche?