I am the ugliest person here
There are different kinds of gym go-ers. There are the girls who wake up at 6am and carefully chose their coordinated spandex outfit and artfully twist up their hair to properly bead off their sweat and make them look fantastic. Then there are girls like me who wake up late, chug coffee and wear ugly t shirts to spin class. Because of this, I devote the first five minutes of any exercise class to telling myself I really need to get my shit together because I am the ugliest person here.
The pregnant instructor is in better shape than me
Some days this motivates me to work harder but some days this cues self defeating thoughts about how I’m lazy and should crawl in a hole and die.
Is that cute guy single?
You there – boy in the back row of yoga. You look
hot smart. I bet you have a stable income and like to watch well made movies. Perhaps you like to eat? Well you are in luck because I want to feed you. You look like you want to cuddle. Cuddle me specifically. Let’s just forgo the dating process and get married.
Oh the humanity, your music sucks
Spin class is basically like a club. You want loud pop/hip hop music with simple lyrics and a beat that will distract you from the pain in your thighs. Many spin instructors understand this simple concept. But there are a few who insist on killing you slowly with their wordless techno music, James Taylor, Pink Floyd B sides and Chumbawamba.
If they don’t turn on the fans, I will kill a bitch
You may love the feeling of sweat dripping over your disgusting flesh. I do not. When the instructor asks if he/she should crank up the industrial bambi killing air conditioners, you shout NO and allow your sweat to bounce off of you and onto my eye ball. For that, I will knife you in the parking lot.