The 8 non negotiable duties of (girl) friends

1) Provide booze and distraction immediately after a break up.  Any time you get “the phone call” from a dear pal you have one duty and one duty alone – show up at their place with a bottle of grain alcohol and let them lead you on an evening journey of tears and irrational behavior.  I don’t care if you’re taking your bar exam the next day, the first and only obligation you have is to your friend.  Why?  Because in this crises scenario you are the only thing keeping this woman from taking a knitting needle to the eye of her former beloved. 

2) Present your friend in the best possible light in front of their suitors.  You know the scenario – they’ve been chatting up Mr. Wonderful Coworker for a month and you’ve heard every excruciating detail.  Then you meet Mr. Wonderful out at a party.  Your sole purpose for existing is to be a one person PR rep for your friend.  Never mind if your friend has never done anything of notoriety.  Make shit up if you have to. 

3) Throw down the douche card (as gracefully as possible).  We have all found ourselves in a scenario where we are giving someone our undivided love and attention that absolutely doesn’t deserve it.  We are also very clever at lying to ourselves about the many ways in which this is OK.  I have found myself pleading with a close friend about all the reasons why I should continue an emotional affair with a married man.  She (luckily) pulled the douche card on me.  She wanted more out of life for me and didn’t stop until I recognized it myself. 

4) Take a vow of silence on all nights when you turn into a drunken wildebeest.  The hilarious stories of your drunken antics are free to be passed around like a joint at a Dylan concert.  But good friends know where humor stops and tragedy begins.  For example, it’s ok to remind a friend that she went on stage, grabbed a mic from the band and announced she was going to take her clothes off in the parking lot and everyone was invited.  Refrain from telling your friend that literally no one followed her outside to see her naked.

5) Help her prepare for her meeting of the ex with the vigor of a wedding planner.  Once you know that your dearest will be seeing HIM in a month you must go into full coordination mode.  There will be outfits that need to be selected, questionable choices about tanning products and several lengthy discussions about what he will say.  If the evil gods of relationships force her to see him at a plus one event, you will hunt down the hottest available man you can find.  She will show up with enviable arm candy, a dress she can’t afford and a hair do that is so taut she will not be able to cry.

6) Remind them (as many times as needed) that they’re a special snow flake.  Since you’ve already done your friendventory, you know this is a kick ass friend.  You see all they have to offer but they see a portly monster staring back at them in the mirror.  When it comes to friends, you must be the endless fountain of positive reinforcement.  (Unless they are crushing on a total douche, then you can boldly go back to Step 3).

7) Thou shalt not judge when she enters the next stage of her life.  Of course, your first instinct is that she will be leaving you behind to wallow in the misery of singlehood. But try to remember that first dates may lead to marriage, knocking boots can lead to pregnancy, and dream jobs can move friends around the world.  You love her, you’re there for her.  Repeat your mantra. 

8) Be the kick ass person that people want to be friends with.  People don’t tend to want to hang out with bitter, miserable women who fight about petty shit.