Tuesday, January 11, 2011

30 things I did before I turned 30

1.  Went to a gay bar.  Felt humbled by the awesome calves of drag queens.
2. Defied my parent's expectations.   Spent a year obsessing over my dream college.  Got in.  Told them I was transferring after less than year.
3. Was undeniably uncool.  Wallowed in the misery that no one liked me. Spent Friday nights at used record stores pretending the voices on the other end of the album were my friends.

4. Became insanely popular.  Joined the right sorority.  Shared a mattress with the right guy.  Wielded the awesome power of the wealthy, young and beautiful.  Became the asshole I hated when I was a loser.
5. Got the fuck out of this country.  Drank absinthe. Declared I was never coming back to the US.
6. Pumped my own goddamn gas
7. Conducted a friendventory.  Not everyone is a special snow flake.
8. Figured out how to feed my friends something they wouldn't choke on.  With pre chopped vegetables and premade everything at Trader Joe's you're out of excuses, asshole.
9. Had a spectacularly explosive break up - one that dragged on for two years where both parties were so miserable that homicide seemed like the only way out.
10. Changed my appearance radically.
11. Got so drunk I cried in public.  I let my emotional Mt St Helen erupt.
12. Quieted my inner demons by drinking a bud light in a lazy river.

13. Realized that my parents were once young, cool and care free.
14. Pregnancy scare.  Bonus points since my gynecologist was a family friend.
15. Gave up on the dream that I was going to be a professional athlete
16. Spent an entire wedding analyzing the reasons why I'm single.  Ended up alone next to a bag of sour patch kids.
17. Lived alone.  Played the game of "what's rotting in the fridge" on a weekly basis.
18. Figured out how to get off of a chair lift on a snowboard without taking out a pregnant woman and toddlers.
19. Spiced up a failing relationship with a trip to a strip club.
20. Took care of someone's bloodthirsty cats.
21. Made a celebrity uncomfortable.  (Thereby disobeying the only rule of Los Angeles).
22. Spent too much on an ill advised purchase.  Wrote off everyone who judged me for doing so.
23. Missed my flight.  Three times.  Due to the World Cup, Irish car bombs, and sex.
24. Shared a house with someone I've never met before.  Was shocked when they turned out to be trust-fund-baby swingers.  Learned to love them anyway.
25. Became a master black belt of parallel parking.

26. Got fired from a job in a blaze of glory.
27. Joined a political campaign that failed.
28. Declared my undying love for someone who would eventually break my heart.
29. Figured out a way to accept me for who I really am.
30. Made a list of 30 things I did before I turned 30.


  1. Nice! I especially like the idea of a friendventory. Will get on that as soon as I wrap up my list!

  2. You forgot "Coined the phrase, 'strap ons - they're not just for breakfast anymore'".

  3. Hahaha loved the reasons for missing those 3 flights. I bet is was all worth it, right? I once missed a flight because I didn't understand french and another time because I went to the airport without passport. I think I prefer yours!!!

  4. Hey, TOAR Here! This is my first time coming to your blog.

    I love this post. Just because I am 22 and I have about 14 out of thirty done so far. My favorite one is 23. That is fucking awesome! I just hope I can be like you when I grow up aside from the horrible break ups - those are pretty painful.

    check my blog out at TOAR

  5. I LOVE the name of your blog :D Like TOAR before me this is my first time over and i love it!Would love to know more about 21 hehe And 23?ALL ABLAZE! :D