Tuesday, November 9, 2010

How prom ruined our lives

Prom, whether you like it or not, happens to everyone who lives in the United States during high school. Try as you may - you really couldn't escape prom fever at that age.    

Here are my basic issues with PROM:

Someone came up with the brilliant idea to stick a bunch of socially awkward teenagers in fancy clothes, without booze and force them to dance in front of their peers.  You literally can't get away with this in adult hood.  Even company Christmas parties involve copious amounts of alcohol because in general, Americans cannot be around each other sober.

You are expected to look like a guido/guidette for one night.  Tanning? Check.  Fake nails? Check.  Too much gel in your hair?  Check.  Too much cologne?  Check.

Smuggling booze into prom requires engineered solutions (for which most high schoolers are not capable of).  Most high schoolers are idiots.  The math league is brilliant.  There is no intersection between the kids who could easily figure out a way to smuggle in the booze and the kids who want to be drinking and fornicating.

Prom involves dating in a fish bowl.  Let's say you're interested in Girl A and you think she's kind of cute.  You share a math class together.  She wears purple bracelets.  At any other point in the year you could conceivably get to know her, ask her out and get rejected with a hand full of eyes on the situation.  In prom season, all fumbled attempts at hooking up are tracked and watched by every member of your student body (and teachers).

A total of 12 people at any given prom are having a good time.  Everyone else is watching the love of their life get groped by someone else.

Your family will keep photos of you, your acne, your braces/backbrace, your hideous dress or tux. your loser date and friends you don't talk to anymore FOREVER.  Be warned.  Corsages die.  Prom photos live forever.

75% of the female student body will cry at some point during prom.  

You will be poked by many boners (intentionally or unintentionally).  Want to mix half clothed girls in a room with hormonal boys?  And add dance music and the expectation that everyone is going to get laid???  Try walking the dance floor without getting the business by 2-12 boys.

It will give you a horrible complex about the opposite sex well into adulthood.  Got rejected by your crush?  Broke up on prom?  Watched your best friend go down on a teacher?  Yep.  These images will stick with you into your 20s and give you a warped view of life.

I'm sure some of you are reading this - thinking of how wonderful prom was and what a warm memory you have in your heart from that blessed event.  To that I say - eff you!


  1. Getting the business!

  2. oh, there was business... and it wasnt well received. the most engineered thought Chris Landers ever had: putting liquor in a hair spray bottle.. oh my geez

  3. ok... not sure how that happened but thats my bosses blogger account, not mine... speaking of awkward and prom :-)