Friday, April 15, 2011

The only people in the world you want to knock on your door

Handsome ex boyfriends: with flowers a 6 pack of craft beer, begging to take you back – only if he’s gone to therapy, gotten his shit together and took it upon himself to start washing his pants.  Cue the rest of your life in happy marital bliss.

A crazed kidnapper – sure, those twelve hours trapped in the bottom of a sea faring vessel chained to a heater will suck but every once and awhile the romantic notion of someone …. Anyone …. Taking you against your will away from it all is appealing.  Until you get thrown into their van full of McDonald’s wrappers and you think “not cool bro, I want my fancy apartment back.”

My parents, carrying cleaning supplies, wads of cash and endless praise.

The “you’ve been served” dude – no one likes getting a subpoena.  That is unless the alleged crime involves “being too sexy.”  I’ll gladly take THAT slip of paper from the court of law and walk around the neighborhood triumphantly in my underwear.

The pizza guy – bringing enlightenment to millions with his heat sealed bag of delicious meat, melty cheese and tomato goodness. 

A fairy godmother – finally!  Haven’t we all been waiting for Angela Lansbury to arrive at our doorstep and allow us some fucking wishes?  The only downside is that in my excitement I would probably blurt out “give me unlimited amounts of cheese” and the world would be stuck without me wishing for the end of hunger and suffering.  Although, technically I could solve their hunger with my cheese.

Dave Grohl – he’ll just be wandering around Los Angeles one day, hear his new album on my mac book and decide to knock and say hi.  He’ll share his deep dark inner secrets, forging an impenetrable bond with me forever. 

A walrus in a Hawaiian shirt looking for a luau – coo coo ca choo. 


  1. Ah, I needed the giggles this post brought me! Thank you!!!

  2. Oh, I'm sure your bond with Dave Grohl would be anything BUT impenetrable.... you know what I'm talking about. Penetration. You're going to have sex with Dave Grohl. Ok, I'm done.