Transatlantic flights – Because nothing says celebration like sitting next to strangers in a small chair for 6 hours. When the captain turns off the seat belt sign, it’s time to adjust your travel pants and throw back some $5 chardonnay. When the person next to you gives you the evil eye after your third or fourth, just keep drinking until it looks like they’re giving you a sexy wink. Be careful about going to the bathroom – turbulence, drunkenness and narrow walk ways do not mix.
Sporting events you have no vested interest in – don’t care about the Clippers? Neither do I. After a bottle of wine I can and will become their biggest fan. Sporting events provide your inner drunk with the excuse to shout suggestive and inappropriate statements to a crowd of people. Phrases such as “TAKE IT OFF” seem to make sense to everyone in the heat of the moment. Some sports stadiums do not serve wine. No problem! The solution is always wine in a can. Smuggle wine in your lady parts and pour it into an empty diet coke can.
Hangovers – Wake up feeling like the undead? Point yourself in the direction of a champagne bottle. Add a splash of OJ or two and you’re only 15 minutes away from getting drunk again.
Getting fired – While this won’t help you get your job back it will temporarily dull the pain. Just call everyone you know in a panic, force them to your apartment and drink until you wake up clutching your laptop with flights to Italy on your web browser. Be sure to never clue them into why you need to drink so badly as to make the experience exciting and fun.
Karaoke– Belting out Lady Gaga to a crowd of beach tourists never felt as good as when it’s done on a belly full of Shiraz. Karaoke bars are infamous for dim lighting and ugly clientele so your purple wine teeth are guaranteed not to raise any eye brows. Bonus points for dedicating your song to “you … you there” and pointing to anyone in the crowd you’ve never met before. Then give them the wonky eye and blow a kiss. You’re only a few more sips of wine away from making out with a man twice your age.
The crushing realization that we’re all going to die – You can’t think about the end of humanity when you’re looking for a discreet place to vomit. Any time your brain wanders to that place where the gentle river of life flows, grab some Merlot because it’s business time.