How prom ruined our lives

Prom, whether you like it or not, happens to everyone who lives in the United States during high school. Try as you may - you really couldn't escape prom fever at that age.    

Here are my basic issues with PROM:

Someone came up with the brilliant idea to stick a bunch of socially awkward teenagers in fancy clothes, without booze and force them to dance in front of their peers.  You literally can't get away with this in adult hood.  Even company Christmas parties involve copious amounts of alcohol because in general, Americans cannot be around each other sober.



You are expected to look like a guido/guidette for one night.  Tanning? Check.  Fake nails? Check.  Too much gel in your hair?  Check.  Too much cologne?  Check.

Smuggling booze into prom requires engineered solutions (for which most high schoolers are not capable of).  Most high schoolers are idiots.  The math league is brilliant.  There is no intersection between the kids who could easily figure out a way to smuggle in the booze and the kids who want to be drinking and fornicating.

Prom involves dating in a fish bowl.  Let's say you're interested in Girl A and you think she's kind of cute.  You share a math class together.  She wears purple bracelets.  At any other point in the year you could conceivably get to know her, ask her out and get rejected with a hand full of eyes on the situation.  In prom season, all fumbled attempts at hooking up are tracked and watched by every member of your student body (and teachers).

A total of 12 people at any given prom are having a good time.  Everyone else is watching the love of their life get groped by someone else.

Your family will keep photos of you, your acne, your braces/backbrace, your hideous dress or tux. your loser date and friends you don't talk to anymore FOREVER.  Be warned.  Corsages die.  Prom photos live forever.

75% of the female student body will cry at some point during prom.  


You will be poked by many boners (intentionally or unintentionally).  Want to mix half clothed girls in a room with hormonal boys?  And add dance music and the expectation that everyone is going to get laid???  Try walking the dance floor without getting the business by 2-12 boys.

It will give you a horrible complex about the opposite sex well into adulthood.  Got rejected by your crush?  Broke up on prom?  Watched your best friend go down on a teacher?  Yep.  These images will stick with you into your 20s and give you a warped view of life.

I'm sure some of you are reading this - thinking of how wonderful prom was and what a warm memory you have in your heart from that blessed event.  To that I say - eff you!

My pathetic attempt at stalking boys in high school

As a preface to all of you who know me in real life: I am a legit brunette.  Said hair was not dyed until college.  All pre-college depictions will show me with my natural hair color.  And also for reasons unfathomable to me, I had a huge "thing" for pothead boys in high school.


In high school I loved GIANT STONER.  He and I worked at the pool together over the summer.  And although he was two years younger than me and had failed English twice, I was convinced that we were meant to be together.  His uniform was a dirty phish tshirt and a facial expression that read "I'm a future college dropout."

At the same time my good friend Susan got her license and a new smoking hot car - a used white Jeep Wrangler with hot pink and blue stripes on the side.  However, Susan lacked the skills necessary in order to drive this stick shift vehicle.

On many occasions Susan and I would drive around after cheerleading practice, making sure to drive by the homes of our crushes.  I literally have no idea what we hoped to gain from this as literally nothing good came out of this venture.

One time Susan and I were driving by GIANT STONER'S house.  Her car stalled OUTSIDE HIS FRONT DOOR.  And then Susan couldn't figure out how to get the car started for an HOUR.  I started to panic that he was going to see us and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were stalking him. Susan calmed me down by saying "what are the odds he was even home?" and I lulled myself to sleep with that belief.

The next day at school the incident had gone unnoticed.  It was as if I had never engaged in multiple acts of stalker drive bys all year round.


And then the last period bell rang and GIANT STONER came up to me and asked me if I was outside of his house the other night.  I tried to lie but then he proceeded to rattle of the defining features of said vehicle.  THE UNMISTAKEABLE PINK AND BLUE STRIPES.

Then I just stared at the ground and mumbled something about how we were going to ring the door bell and ask his brother a question.  GIANT STONER just stared back at me with his giant blood shot eyes. I tried to twirl around my cheerleading skirt to distract him but that did not work.  I remained powerless against the discerning skills of a near imbecile who was high as a kite.  HE KNEW.

/end of pathetic geek story

Checking your emotional baggage - It's more expensive than you think

This post goes out to a very special motorcycle jacket wearing lady.  (And to my former self who really needed to hear it but refused to listen).

Hey you there!  The uber independent who does not need a man.  You are tough as nails.  You will not let a boy hurt you again ever.  You cut them off before they even have a chance to hurt you.  You can rip them to shreds with a few comments and a discerning stare.  You've got it all figured out!

Here are the benefits of shutting yourself off to the possibilities of a true loving relationship:

1) You don't have to compromise.  On anything.  Never again are you forced to sit through 20 hours of South Park.  Or put up with their asshole friend who comes over for dinner and acts like a pig.  YOU WIN.

2) You don't have to worry about what he's thinking about you.  Because you don't give a shit.

3) You are completely in control of your relationship with your friends - there is no boyfriend who changes you in a way you can't see.  You know ... when you start seeing someone and you have no idea how lame you've become to your friends.  NEVER FEAR.  That doesn't happen when you are emotionally unavailable!

4) No vegetable state like year that occurs post break up.  You will not go around with a vacant look in your eye because you can't produce tears anymore, staring out at the abyss and wondering why you ever chose to love.  LUCKY YOU, since there is no relationship, there is no breakup and THERE IS NO SADNESS.

5) You get to tell off any woman that suggests that you would be more complete in a relationship.  SHE'S A FOOL.  SHE DOESN'T GET HOW AWESOME AND COOL AND POWERFUL YOU ARE.

And then here's the realities ....

1) EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE can see your defense strategies a mile away.  You are in fact, fooling no one.

2) Being in a relationship and being a strong, smart, independent woman are not mutually exclusive.

3) All guys are not your ex boyfriend.  Repeat.  Repeat. Repeat.

4)  There are nice guys.  And don't give me that BS.  You actually KNOW nice guys!  You're literally surrounded by them.  And they get hurt just as badly as you do.

5)  You will never be hurt as badly as you were before.  I swear.  The first cut is the deepest.  After that you have this neat little reminder that life goes on and you will be happy again.

6)  The guy who is right for you doesn't deserve to be punished for what happened before.  He's not the one that hurt you - he wants to love you.  Give him a freaking chance.

7)  You are too wonderful to keep to yourself.  Really.  And deep in your heart you know it too.

8)  You learned a lot from your failed relationships.  You grew and became a better person.  You are more equipped to handle an adult relationship than you were last year.  And with every encounter you are continuing to become more of the person your future love of your life will be with.  I swear!

9) Nothing in the world compares to that feeling you get when you truly share yourself with someone - mentally, emotionally and physically.  And you deserve all of those things.

10) If you were a dude, I'd date you.  So there!


And please!!! For all of you that know me in real life.  When I am in the k-hole, remind me of my own blog post because I'm going to need it.

Collected Wisdom

These are the things that I believe based on 28 years of breathing:

• Wine tastes better shared with friends
• Sports become more interesting when you watch them with a group of loud, semi belligerent fans (preferably with chests painted)
• If you're paying the bills then you don't have to make your bed
• 99% of sitcoms are not funny
• There is never a "right time" to be broken up with or to break up.  It always sucks.
• If you think of an idea of something that would be nice to do but never actually do it - you don't get credit for it (this applies maybe only to my ex boyfriend who forever would ask for "credit" for thinking to get me flowers but not getting them)
• No matter what anyone tells you, the Cubs will lose.  Horrifically.  Don't have any faith in them.  
• If you're fourth and inches ... GO FOR IT.

Am I an adult?

A list of arguments for and against if I am an adult.


GOD DAMN YES I am an adult ....

• I pay all of my bills on time, I am never EVER late with my bills.
• I keep track of all my expenses on Quicken, like a badass.  I even have monthly charts to show me where my expenses are going so I can budget accordingly.  I am one lean mean financially stable machine.
• I like myself.  Not every day but in general.  This is a key step in realizing you are old enough to handle your own shit.
• I have an adult job.  I manage an employee.  High level people depend on me and know that I will come through.  I have marketable skills ($$$).  There is career growth in my future.
• I feed and clothe myself.  I go to the doctor and dentist on regular intervals.  
• I rarely watch tv.  Most of my tv habits are when I'm going to someone else's house but I actually only follow Mad Men right now.
• I own an espresso machine.
• I can pull together a delicious meal for company when I want to.
• I have finally stopped moving around the country in search of the perfect city to call a home.  I found my home.

No ::::weeping::: I'm a CHILD

• For the most part, everyone I hang out with is in a stage of arrested development.  
• Every day of the week has a theme associated with it .... "Things Tuesday" "Therapy Thursday" "Mistake Sunday" are all things that real adults do not have in their life.
• Half of my apartment is sponsored by Ikea.
• I can't sustain a wine "collection" because it never lasts that long in my apartment.  Whatever enters shall be consumed.  And how!
• I still preparty.  Even though I can legitimately afford alcohol now.  
• I have hosted a keg party in the last 6 months.
• I'm single. No real romantic prospects on the horizon.  I'm approaching 30.
• I regularly pass out on friends couches for the evening and/or they pass out on mine.  Adulthood means waking up in your bed.  Every time.
• I can't keep up with grocery shopping.  I basically have string cheese and salsa available every day - anything else is a crapshoot.  There is often a strange odor emitting from my fridge due to some form of food that sat in there far passed it's expiration date.  Hello 12 month old new potatoes!
• I threw up in a car this year.  Twice.
• While I can put items in an orderly area, the deep cleaning rarely happens.  Who the eff wants to clean the toilet when you can head to the beach?  

10/8/10 update ..... The cleaners just called to say that I've left my clothes there since July.  ADULT FAIL.

Gah! I do not want to go to your birthday party

Thoughts I have while reading your birthday party e-mail invitation.


Oooooh EMAIL.  I must read it.

Gah, it's YOU.  We used to work together.  I basically tolerated you but we sat next door.  You were like the tofu of coworkers.  I didn't mind if you were in the dish but you couldn't hold up on your own.  I have made NO EFFORT to see you since I left my old job.  THERE IS A REASON FOR THIS.  You're not even interesting enough for me to HATE YOU.

Oh dear god and you're now PREGNANT so there will be no wine at your party.  Or maybe there will be but you will sit there with your husband all PREGNANTY and stare and judge.

And the party is at some 4 star restaurant in WEST HOLLYWOOD.  I will have to PAY OUT MY ASS for this TORTURE.

Look at how nice you are, you also invited MY OLD BOSS WHO I HATE.  

STAB STAB STAB STAB HATE HATE HATE HATE

"Please reply by October 5th" ..... yeah right.  I will IGNORE YOU FOREVER.

Thoughts I have after your call me to follow up to see why I haven't responded your e-mail about the birthday party.

Gah, it's YOU AGAIN.  Ignore ignore ignore.  How did you find me???? Why did I give you my phone number????

Ahhhh and you're all pregnant and TRACKING ME DOWN.  For the love of god why didn't I just respond to the e-mail.  I do not have a valid excuse for ditching the party.  

God, I am an awful person.  I am ignoring a pregnant woman I used to work with.  She is nice and all.  I should not be mean.  Maybe she has no friends.  I can suck it up.  I can do it.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I will e-mail and say I am busy.

THE END

End of summer/time to hibernate

So it is FINALLY starting to feel like the seasons have changed in Los Angeles.  While I am in general not a fan of the seasons (due to many below zero temperature winters in Chicago), there is something about the change in atmosphere that signals that time has passed.

In LA, it sometimes feels like every day is the same since for the most part its 75 and sunny outside.  This leads to many of my friends basically never growing up since there is no reminder that we’re getting closer to 30. 

Anyways.  For Angelenos this is starting to feel cold.  I mean brrr, shiver, I need a coat cold.  For the record, to us that is anything below 65 degrees.  And out of nowhere I’ve also been feeling like it’s time to pack up summer, put it in a box and move onto winter.  That means the bathing suits, trips to Vegas (note: only summer trips to Vegas are getting packed up since we have trips planned in the winter which will be different.  read: no cabanas because it will be too cold), month long ventures into funemployment and general shenanigans.  And most importantly, it’s time to pack up my summer behavior with men.

See at the beginning of the summer I had been celibate for 15 months.  That’s right FIFTEEN MONTHS.  And right around the start of the summer I just caved in.  And I kept caving and caving and caving.  I was like an anorexic at a cheap Chinese buffet.  I just wanted to EAT.  And eating felt amazing. I wanted to eat all the time.  Regardless of the value of the dish.  And now I’m stuffed.

Food just doesn’t look as appealing as it used to.  Literally, boys who I used to be attracted to just aren’t getting me going anymore.  It’s time for a break.  As a good friend stated, “you OD’ed on cheap hamburgers, it’s time for you to take your time and find a quality Bellagio steak.” 

So I’m closing up the slut shop!  (To the utter dismay of everyone who has been near me over the last few months).  And in the mean time, when things get rough I’m going to finally cave in and purchase some assistance.  Which means to any girls who know me in the area … time to shop for a rabbit!